This. Is. Danger.

I just watched him fix the children lunch. He proceeded to play a math lesson with my daughter. Yesterday the fair. Tomorrow a four day vacation with his immediate family on the beach. Moving in together. Looking and talking about places. Is this REALLY happening?? 15 months from being parked in the yard. Initiating that first kiss. I feel something new. It’s a little exciting-scary. Like a smile that terrifies you because it feels so good.

House Pains

I had finally let go of the cottage. Only small pains of homesickness came but passed quick enough that I didn’t fall to tears. I had also resolved that I wouldn’t find another place to live before winter. Fine enough. One winter in a dark cellar apartment. Cheap expenses. Save money. Fine. Then a call came about a 3 bedroom place with a yard, garage, and two bathrooms. Sure, I’ll look at it. Maybe. Well, like with most everything I see I quickly fell in love. I talked to the owner all day yesterday. I had the money ready. The kids were excited. It was close to their school. Set back in the woods. It even had a swing set. We’ve never had one of those before. Things were looking up.
Then I get an email. The house sold. Just like that. I’m so tired of living like this. I want better for my children. They deserve it.

I remember standing here. I remember what I promised. Sometimes I wish I could have saved us. I don’t mean to be so cold. There are things I miss. Weekend early mornings. Sitting by the fire. Just being on our porch. Working in our garden. Family. Partnership. All those dreams. We had a lot to work hard for. You were just so angry. Unappreciative. Demanding. Controlling. Suspicious. Inconsiderate. Thoughtless. Careless. Sneaky. Mean. I took care of you. I covered for you. I hid your problems so you could stand on your soapbox. Look at our arbor. Look at us. What did we do to ourselves, each other, and our children. Why….
How…
I hate you! 
But I will always love you, too. 
For our children and because once upon a time we dreamed together.

I remember standing here. I remember what I promised. Sometimes I wish I could have saved us. I don’t mean to be so cold. There are things I miss. Weekend early mornings. Sitting by the fire. Just being on our porch. Working in our garden. Family. Partnership. All those dreams. We had a lot to work hard for. You were just so angry. Unappreciative. Demanding. Controlling. Suspicious. Inconsiderate. Thoughtless. Careless. Sneaky. Mean. I took care of you. I covered for you. I hid your problems so you could stand on your soapbox. Look at our arbor. Look at us. What did we do to ourselves, each other, and our children. Why….
How…
I hate you!
But I will always love you, too.
For our children and because once upon a time we dreamed together.